To give your valentine lots of laughs this year, share one of these hilarious sayings with them over Instagram or write one of these funny quotes in their Valentine’s Day card. And whatever you do, don’t forget the chocolates!
100 Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes
- “Valentine, just a few words to tell you how I love you. I have loved you since the first day I saw you. Whenever that was.” ― Charles M. Schulz
- “I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” — Tracy Smith
- “Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.” —Lewis Black
- “To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.” — H. L. Mencken
- “Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is.” —Anonymous
- “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns
- “Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm… easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — Michael Scott, The Office 8. “The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” — Faye Morgan
- “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” — Henny Youngman
- “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be…well, January.” — Jim Gaffigan
- “If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti
- “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” — Melanie White 13. “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” — Dolly Parton 14. “I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” — Jenny Han
- “You know how people say, ‘You can’t live without love’? Well, oxygen is even more important.” – Dr. Gregory Houser
- “Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings.” — David Sedaris
- “You’re never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.” — Mike Primavera
- “A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love.” — Friedrich Nietzsche 19. “It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.” — Lucille Ball 20. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” — Tim Allen 21. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” — Dax Shepard 22. “Can officially confirm that the way to a man’s heart these days is not through beauty, food, sex, or alluringness of character, but merely the ability to seem not very interested in him.” — Bridget Jones’s Diary 23. “If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji—no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti
- “It is not love that makes a relationship complicated; it’s the people in it who do.” — Unknown
- “Love is being stupid together.” — Paul Valery
- “Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni
- “Love is a grave mental illness.” — Plato
- “Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it.” — Phyllis Schlafly 29. “True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.” — Mindy Kaling 30. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
- “One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.” — Oscar Wilde
- “Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” — W. Somerset Maugham
- “The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” — Faye Morgan
- “Oh here’s an idea: let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.” — Jimmy Fallon
- “Remember, your Valentine’s card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you’re too lazy to put it in your own words.” – Melanie White
- I have no Valentine’s date! Anyway, it’s okay, food is love, food is life. 37. “Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” - Oscar Wilde
- “Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life.” - Unknown
- “In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.” — Pretty Woman
- “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford
- “If love is the answer, then could you rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin
- ”Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love” — Albert Einstein
- “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates 44. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.” — Cher 45.“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” - Garry Shandling 46.“So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.” — King Jaffe Joffer
- “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.” – Woody Allen 48.” A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen 49. “Love is sharing your popcorn.” — Charles Schulz 50.“I married for love. But the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find your glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito 51. “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling 52. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” — Chelsea Handler
- “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
- “Love is hiding who you are at all times. It’s wearing make-up to bed and going downstairs to Burger King to poop.” — 30 Rock 55. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — The Office 56. “Love is blind—marriage is the eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason
- “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld
- ”If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” — Fran Lebowitz 59. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.” — Hussein Nishah
- ”Never sign a Valentine with your own name.” — Charles Dickens 62. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
- “The great question which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does a woman want?’ — Freud
- “Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass.” — English Proverb
- “Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.” — Nora Ephron
- “Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.” — James Thurber 67. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie
- “You’re just like bacon, beer, and chocolate – you make everything better.” — Unknown
- “Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.” — Unknown
- “Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.” — Bree Luckey
- “Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” — Jackie Mason 72.“I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.” — Chico Marx 73. “So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.” — King Jaffe Joffer
- “A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.” — Lucille Ball
- “My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."— Ray Romano
- “Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlists.” — James Garner
- “I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.” — Steven Wright 78. “My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.” – Pearl Bailey
- “Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” — Bill Maher
- “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” — Billy Crystal
- “My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays.” — Jacques Torres
- “There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.” – Melanie Griffith
- “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” – Helen Rowland
- “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” — Carroll Bryant 86 “I reallyyy like you, even if my resting bitch face says otherwise!” — Unknown
- “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
- Yay! We still like each other. Happy Valentine’s Day, beautiful.
- “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” – Kathy Mohnke
- “I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” — Dwight Schrute
- “Look, there’s no metaphysics on earth like chocolates.” — Fernando Pessoa 92. “Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch.” — Cathy Carlyle
- “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” — Unknown
- “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – H. L. Mencken 95. “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.” — Sixteen Candles
- I’d be the first to stomp on your lovely zombie head. Happy Valentine’s Day!
- “Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.” — Jules Renard
- “As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.” – Ralphie May
- “Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.” — Jewish Proverb
- “Will you be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question. We’re married.” — Unknown Making a homemade card for your valentine? Check out these adorable DIY Valentine’s Day card ideas for inspiration.
