The holidays are far from the happiest season of all if you’re processing the death of a loved one. While for most people, the holidays bring tidings of comfort and joy, for those grieving the loss of a loved one, the holidays are anything but merry and bright. From Thanksgiving to New Year’s, times of gathering with those we love can shine a spotlight on the emptiness we can feel if someone we adore is missing from our celebrations. If you’re experiencing grief during the holidays, you are not alone. Find out exactly why grief can be exacerbated during the holiday season and how to help yourself and those you love cope with loss.
Why is grief worse during the holidays?
Army veteran and grief expert Troia Butcher explains, “Queen Elizabeth II once said, ‘Grief is the price we pay for love.’ When someone we love transitions, the pain of the loss is difficult. However, it is compounded during the holidays, because that is the time we celebrate with our families and our friends. We practice traditions and family rituals, which remind us of how we love one another. When this dynamic is altered because of death, it can be devastating to the family. It is especially challenging when we see others enjoying time with loved ones. The realization of our loss is even greater during this time.”
Why might feelings of loss or grief intensify during the holidays?
Butcher explained that the usual feelings of togetherness can intensify grief because the loss of a loved one becomes even more pronounced if they aren’t present at the usual celebrations. “The holidays are family-centric and if this is the first holiday season after the death of a loved one, it can be extremely hard. Many families have traditions and rituals that are centered around the holidays and to continue them without that person can be stressful and emotional,” she said. Grief can be triggered for different people in different ways, some of which can be very specific. “I remember the first holiday season after the passing of my grandmother because I learned how to cook from her, I felt the pain of her death so deeply when I attempted to cook our family dinner. For instance, I could not pick up the phone to ask if I put the correct number of eggs in the sweet potato pies,” Butcher recalled. “In that moment, I realized that cooking, let alone the holidays, would never be the same. I cried for her as deeply then as I did on the day she was laid to rest. It was the first major holiday since her passing and it made everything harder, including cooking. When you experience a major event after loss, it will always be intense because it is a reminder that your loved one cannot witness your life’s journey.”
How do you cope with the loss of a loved one during the holidays?
There are a number of ways to merely help yourself get through the day, but make no mistake: It will not be easy, it will not be quick, and yes, it will hurt. “There isn’t a quick fix to help with the pain of loss, in fact, the truth about grief is that it never goes away,” Butcher said. “It does not go away because we will forever want that person to be here with us. However, the love journey with that person did not end at death, because the love we had for them we carry in our hearts.” That said, here are some ways to cope during the holiday season.
Give yourself a designated time to feel all the feelings—physically and emotionally—if you’re grieving during the holidays.
“Give yourself time to sit with your feelings,” Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, CDBT of Empower Your Mind Therapy, recommends. “Limit the time to five minutes or so, with no other distractions.” During this time, recognize not just your emotional and mental state, but also how those feelings are manifesting in your body—because we know the physical effects of stress can cause us all to fall into a dangerous and unhealthy cycle as well. “Take these moments to check on your mind-body connection,” Mairanz says. “It’s easy to forget how to tune into your body sensations. You’re dealing with emotions such as sadness, grief, and anger, but how are you physically feeling? Are you heavy? Do you feel tired? Tightness in your chest? This step is important to recognize how your body is reacting to your feelings and learn to regulate them so your grief doesn’t take over at all times.”
Take care of yourself physically.
It can be tempting to drown your sorrows in ice cream and never get out of bed while you’re grieving, and that’s OK! But too much is, well, too much, and overindulging can make you feel worse, Dr. Michele Kambolis, mind-body health specialist, registered therapist, and author of When Women Rise: Everyday Practices to Strengthen Your Mind, Body, and Soul says. “Take care of your core needs. We can feel terribly out of balance when in the midst of grief,” she told Parade. “It’s important to support the body in order to give it a fighting chance in terms of processing the heavy emotional toll. Ensure you’re getting enough sleep, eating regularly, and moving your body with light exercise.”
Ease up on caffeine, sugar, and booze.
It can be easy to rely on extra coffee or energy drinks during the holidays because you’re already so busy, but if you’re grieving, stimulants like caffeine can be bad news, Dr. Kambolis warns—and extra sugar cookies and wine also may not be the best idea for you right now. “Stimulants exacerbate the anxiety that can go hand in hand with anxiety,” she explained. “By slowly tamping down on coffee, alcohol, and sugar you’ll support your mind-body system in ways that leave you feeling calmer and more present to the emotions that are moving through.” The keyword here is “slowly.” If you eliminate any or all sugar, caffeine, or alcohol cold-turkey (unless you only consume them on occasion), you can make yourself feel even worse because of withdrawal, which is the absolute last thing you need right now.
Fake (smile) it ’til you make it.
While it’s good to be honest and open about your struggle, sometimes the physiological effects of smiling, even if you’re devastated, can be beneficial to your mind and body. “One way to regulate emotions is doing the half-smile technique,” Mairanz said. “Your facial expressions can reveal your inner emotions and what you’re going through. To practice half-smiling, first, relax your entire face. Visualize moving from the top of your head down to your chin, relaxing each part of your face as you pass over it. You can also tense up all of your facial muscles and then relax them. Once your face is relaxed, gently turn up the corners of your mouth. It doesn’t even need to be a distinguishable smile, but try to infuse it with serenity. This posture can cue your brain to help you figure out how to respond to the situation you’re in.”
Ask for help.
Again: It’s OK not to be OK, and if you need help, ask for it without shame. You’re doing the best that you can. “Lean on people in your support system and find balance. Try not to isolate yourself altogether from loved ones just to avoid grief, but don’t try to do too much socially because you feel obligated or want to run from your emotions,” Mairanz notes. “Find a good balance and remember to always check in with yourself first.” If you feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to, don’t worry—there are people who will listen. Call the Crisis Call Center at (800) 273-8255 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, or text “CARE” to 839863 for support. You can also reach out to GriefShare at (800) 395-5755.
How do you celebrate the holidays while grieving?
Set boundaries.
You can only do what you can do, and if something is too much for you to handle, do not force yourself through it. If you need to remove yourself from a situation, give yourself permission. “If a holiday party can be triggering, do a check-in with yourself first and create a plan for how you can help yourself if you’re feeling the grief before it becomes too overwhelming or you start panicking,” Mairanz says. “Remember to take deep breaths and know it’s okay to decline a holiday event or cut out early.”
Know what works for you may not work for everyone else (and vice versa)—and don’t punish yourself for not feeling OK.
Whether you’re more inclined to follow traditions or eschew them following a loss, do what works for you, not what you think you should be doing, in order to feel whole. “Know what works for you, not what you think should work,” Mairanz says. “For some, it can be immensely helpful to honor old traditions and memories at this time of year. It can be comforting to think of the past and happy memories when dealing with grief. For others, this can be a trigger. Setting new traditions or avoiding old ones (such as shopping at certain stores or seeing the local Christmas lights) can be healing with grief. Letting go of old traditions can provide a new opportunity to clarify your values and needs this time of year. It’s okay to fall into either category, be sure to do what’s best for you.”
What should a loved one say to a grieving family during the holidays?
“Sometimes the greatest comfort you can give to someone who is grieving is the gift of silence or the gift of presence,” Butcher advises. “It may be difficult for a person during grief to speak articulately about their emotions. They may not be able to say, ‘My heart is breaking because I miss my loved one.’ In those moments, a hug, holding their hand, or sitting in silence with them can mean more than searching for words of comfort. The gift of presence offers the bereaved person a safe place to grieve outwardly.” Dr. Kambolis agreed, adding that it’s important to be both personally and culturally sensitive to the grieving parties as well. “Whatever words you choose, keep in mind that it’s important to focus on the person that is grieving (let them feel on their own terms),” she said. “Know that there is no bright side, and saying ‘They’re in a better place’ can feel gut-wrenching to those in the midst of loss. Your views about religion may not be welcome, because not everyone believes their loved one is with God.” Dr. Kambolis suggests the following if you’re searching for the right words:
“I wish I had the right words; I want you to know that I care and I’m here for you.““I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I’m here to help in any way I can.“I’ll never forget when… [and share a favorite story of their loved one].““I’ve heard how wonderful of a person they were and I know how much they meant to you.““I’m so sorry.”
How can we help grieving loved ones during the holidays?
It’s hard not to want to swoop in like a superhero and make the pain go away when we see those we love hurting, but unfortunately, even Superman can’t save everyone all the time. That said, there are ways you can help, mostly by simply being present. “We help by allowing them to process their feelings and emotions on their own terms,” Butcher says. “Do not try to fill the room with unnecessary conversation. Silence is golden. Allow for time to honor and remember those who have transitioned.” She added a quote from author Paulo Coelho: “‘Never. We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms.’ We help by reminding those who are grieving that we carry our loved ones in our hearts every day.”
Is there anything specific we can say to help a grieving parent during the holidays?
“The pain associated with the loss of a child can be debilitating, not just on holidays, but also at special events, birthdays, or just daily living. A grieving parent will always mourn the death of their child and I believe the universal response should be, ‘It’s OK not to be OK!’ They are entitled to feel every emotion that they are experiencing.” One important thing to remember, Butcher notes, is that you cannot try to heal them—because it’s a futile effort, and you’ll only frustrate yourself and the grieving party. “It is not the responsibility of those witnessing the grief to try to fix the situation in any way. Allow the parent to move through their grief journey on their own terms and in their own time,” she said. “If they decide to forgo the holidays this year, support their decision and do not push for something that they are not ready to do. The beauty of the holiday season is that there is always next year. They can celebrate at a time when they are ready. The day of celebrating the holidays is not important, however, spending time with those we love is the point.” Next, 25 therapists explain how they’re coping with the COVID-19 pandemic.
