There’s actually a phrase for this type of response to a struggle: It’s called toxic positivity. To learn more about it, we spoke with experts—here’s everything you need to know.
What is toxic positivity?
“Toxic positivity refers to the belief that people must always have a good attitude about every situation, regardless of how challenging the task at hand may be,” says Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a New York-based neuropsychologist and faculty member at Columbia University. “Although it is important to be optimistic, there is a time and a place where positivity can be an inappropriate way to respond to a situation." When a person engages in toxic positivity, Dr. Hafeez explains, they choose to dismiss negative emotions and replace them with overly positive emotions. “Using toxic positivity to comfort someone who is going through a hard time can come across as invalidating the negative emotions this person is experiencing.” Toxic positivity can also take on many different forms. “It can be experienced in many ways, including being told as a child that ‘you must put on a smile,’ or that even in the midst of a global pandemic ‘staying strong and looking on the bright side’ is the only way to go through it. It’s also reflected in social media memes instructing people to feel ‘good vibes only,’” Dr. Jennifer R. Wolkin, PhD, licensed psychologist and clinical neuropsychologist, explains.
Why toxic positivity is doing more harm than good
Toxic positivity also makes it seem like we can always choose happiness. “For people who suffer with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and so on, to tell them to simply ‘choose’ happiness is invalidating at best, and actually, dangerous at worst,” says Dr. Wolkin. “This doesn’t mean positivity is unhelpful. In fact, there is research linking positivity to improved mental health.” What is unhelpful, Dr. Wolkin explains, is when the positivity crosses the line into the toxic zone. “The positivity becomes toxic when one is denied the gamut of emotions, including sadness, anger, the list goes on,” she says. “All of these emotions are very human, very real, and very necessary to feel. Research even speaks to greater mental well-being correlated with one’s ability to feel many different emotions, sometimes all at one fell swoop.” Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to feel negative emotions. This is an important part of emotional processing. “Toxic positivity encourages people to ignore difficult emotions, potentially intensifying the power of these feelings.” says Dr. Wolikin. “Although positive thinking offers some benefits, no one can think positively all the time. Forcing someone to express only positive emotions can stifle their ability to communicate and make them feel bad about themselves for having negative thoughts.” The result is guilt and keeping feelings inside, which is the fastest way to perpetuate them and make them stronger. It’s important to acknowledge when you’re feeling sad, negative or frustrated—tou are allowed to feel what you feel. “Seemingly contradictory feelings can and need to be held in an open-relationship with our mind-space,” Dr. Wolkin states. “Feeling however one feels in any given moment is vital to feel healthy. We can also feel many things all at once. We can feel both sad and happy and anything in between. We can both feel gratitude for our situation and we can feel the discomfort that comes with it, without invalidating it by saying ‘someone else has it worse.’"
A guide to dealing with toxic positivity
Dr. Hafeez notes that surrounding yourself with positive people is a good thing. But when their responses start to feel invalidating, it becomes a problem. “Upbeat people can still allow their friends, family and colleagues to express emotions and have empathy for those feelings," she explains. “People who display toxic positivity take it to a whole new level. This can lead to shaming the person who displays any kind of disappointment, grief, loss, sadness, remorse, etc.” Setting boundaries is essential. “If you feel you have a relationship with someone who is positive in a toxic way, the first thing to do is set healthy boundaries with anyone who passes judgment on your authentic experience and speak your truth,” Dr. Hafeez explains. Dr. Wolkin agrees.“If you are the one who is experiencing toxic positivity from another, then I suggest boundaries,” she says. “Remind someone that you will not be forced to stuff down any emotions that you’re experiencing as they arise. Remind them that there is a lot of pressure to feel OK, but that invalidating the vastness of your experience will only make it worse in the long run.” Most importantly, do not be bullied into suppressing or negating your emotions. “Remember that’s it’s OK not to be happy all the time. Learn to recognize messages or responses that convey toxic positivity,” says Dr. Hafeez. “Sometimes it’s not possible to sever the tie with the person who is toxically positive, especially if they are a family member. If it is possible to confront them in a peaceful way to let them know how their responses make you feel, do so.” Next, read 100 quotes on strength and resilience to help get us through tough times.
Sources
Sanam Hafeez, NYC-based neuropsychologist and faculty member at Columbia UniversityJennifer R. Wolkin, PhD, licensed psychologist and clinical neuropsychologist
